Life as a SEN mum

Not really a post I ever thought I’d be doing, but this has recently been something I’ve really had to think about. Now I know we can’t avoid situations where our children would have to meet new people, but obviously the way we go about dealing with it can vary a lot depending on the capacity those people will be in their lives.

I won’t for a second try to come across as any sort of expert on this, and as with everything it’s going to vary depending on the child, but if my experience can help anyone else then that’s all I can hope.

As a little bit of background to the situation, the relationship between myself and the kids dad broke down some time ago, as an attempt to keep things a bit more “normal” for the kids during the chaos that ensued we were still doing a lot as a family. This, however, seemed to be causing many issues and we finally cut ties. But due to individuals that kept trying to interfere in the situation and the adverse mental impact it had, particularly with James, the idea of introducing anyone to them at any point was definitely anxiety inducing.

Whatever situation we are in where new people are involved, be it social gatherings, medical appointments or even school, the key is preparation, they need to know who and where. Obviously if it’s a new medical professional you’re not going to be able to give background detail, but just letting them know who the person is, the reason they’re seeing them etc can help a lot. When it comes to social situations though some people will be known to you, others you may not, which can cause other problems if you may be feeling anxious yourself, as many of us are, but that I’ll discuss separately.

There are two instances I do however, want to discuss, and that’s introducing new partners, and potentially other children to your children. I’m going to start off by saying, I always thought that if I met someone new, it would be quite a long time before introducing them to my children. What I will say is that I’ve learned that life doesn’t quite happen like that. There is also no right or wrong time, so please no judgement on how things have panned out, and if you’re in a similar situation and worried, just do what you feel is right.

The first thing I would say, communication is key. I recently found that my children had been taken to meet another individual whilst they were supposed to be on holiday and that they were informed not to tell me. First of all, if you feel the need to tell your children to lie to their other parent then you should automatically know this is not a situation they should be in. I won’t go into too many details on here, but what I will say is my concerns go far beyond just my personal views on the individual. But on top of this they suddenly had dropped on them the knowledge of a half brother who came about as a result of the affair their dad had. Again there is more to the story here than my own personal views.

Onto the next part, over the last few months, I will admit I’ve been on a few different dates, and while none of them were overly successful of course at the back of my mind I was wondering how I would go about then introducing the kids if it got to that point. Anyway, as I’m sure you can guess where this is going, and yes I did end up introducing them to someone.

There was a lot of deliberating beforehand, but I really did sit and think about everything beforehand. It’s hard, with any child, but then I had to take into account how the kids react around people. Charlotte on one hand will chat to anyone (a concern in itself at times) but James takes a little longer to open up around people, and the disruption to his routine by introducing new people can certainly unsettle him. There are certain things I’ve found help, obviously letting people know in advance about his needs, this is also a big one to judge yourself how an individual might be based on their reaction when you have a child with quite complex needs. I also don’t insist on him putting down any device he’s on at the time. I know this might be controversial, but I’ve found having a focus can help him regulate, I’ve also started to notice that he is very much still taking in his surroundings, and eventually, when comfortable he’ll put down his phone and engage. It’s done in his time, no pressure. If he is particularly uncomfortable he knows he can leave the room if he needs to. Then it’s a case of sitting down with the kids and talking to them about it, explaining who this person is and preparing them ahead of time.

There may be other things to consider, where will the meeting take place, at home, at the park etc. depending on your child’s needs may mean thinking about where they will feel most comfortable, or whether they would potentially see their safe space being invaded if say this was to happen at home. For me, I knew being at home was probably the best option in this particular case, but I know this wouldn’t be the same for everyone, and it’s so important to judge it based on your own child.

The good news is both of them felt completely comfortable and were very much themselves, no masking, no having to take themselves off to regulate, it went better than I ever expected and things continue to go well.