Life as a SEN mum

Following on from my post about introducing new people in regards to new relationships, and other videos on my socials I keep getting asked how we are juggling co-parenting. What I will say, is, I’m probably not the person to ask, as things stand it isn’t going well. I don’t really want to go into that too much but I will cover some of the problems we are facing and why it’s causing problems.

Routine

I mention it all the time, but routine is so important, particularly when a big part of their life has become unsettled. This is where communication is so important. Part the issue we are having is that their dad feels he can turn up as and when he wants without any word and it not have an impact. Needless to say that it does have an impact, and leaves me in a very awkward situation. When I confront the situation it doesn’t go over well. However, if you are in the same situation you need to make sure that some sort of schedule is set up, and to make it clear that any changes need to be communicated. It’s going to be beneficial for everyone involved, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve found myself rushing around on a morning, having to eat breakfast so fast it makes me ill, for him to turn up and then for James in particular to be completely thrown out of routine and end up in school in a bad mood, effecting his entire day. I’m lucky the support in school is amazing, but when we have children who often already struggle, this is just going to make the school day worse.

Boundaries

This seems to be a huge issue at the minute. I’m trying my best to set boundaries on both sides, but I’m the only one making any sort of sacrifice. Without this turning into a post totally bad mouthing him, this one is particularly difficult as I’ve been threatened with so much while just trying to protect the well being of my children. But they’re important, it helps maintain that routine, it can ease any awkward feeling where you have contact with the other parent and helps ensure you’re both singing from the same hymn sheet, which will ultimately mean everything runs much more smoothly.

Communication

It sounds obvious, if you’re parenting in any capacity you need to communicate. Yet it’s something that just often doesn’t seem to happen, regardless of your situation, it seems like somewhere along the way communication seems to be an issue. I’ll be completely honest communication is the thing that is causing me lot of stress at the minute because I end up relying on Charlotte (yes I end up relying on a 6 year old) to let me know everything has been ok, what/when they have eaten etc.

For a little context, I have the kids full time, other than a few hours on a Sunday that they spend with their dad. So just as if they were to go out with any other family member I like to know what the plan is for any given day, and just a brief run down of the day. The reality is I get nothing, not an estimated pick up time, no idea where they’re going, when to expect them back; more infuriating than that, is not knowing who they are going with, which is another story.

On the flip side as the primary parent, I’m the one having to relay any information about appointments, schooling so on and so forth. At this point one can argue this isn’t technically co parenting, and let’s face it as mothers we are generally always the ones dealing with these aspects anyway so do we maybe just accept that it’s always going to be the case? Yes there probably are days I don’t communicate certain things which are the same thing I’m wanting to know, but when this doesn’t have any impact on him I’m sure I’m thinking, well why do I need to.

In the instance that he does have them overnight he ends up taking them away due to his living arrangements, again arrival is never communicated and this has led to me ending up having to put a tracker on James’s phone so I know they do arrive. This may seem extreme but I feel like when long travel out of the home city is involved it’s nice to know that they’re safe. Just as when I take them away in the summer I will make sure that that courtesy is returned.

Essentially communication is what keeps everyone’s minds at rest and most importantly keeps us all in the loop so any problems can be dealt with.

You also need to communicate with your children. This I’ve found so important, James in particular can be very closed off and will often just nod and agree. However, there are tell tale signs when he’s not ok and we do have to go about communication in a slightly different way, which I’ll talk about in a separate post.

Reminder

The point is to ensure the children still feel safe and loved. Whatever our own personal feelings we have to try to put those to one side. Making either parent feel useless is not ok, and it is usually the primary parent who is made to feel like this as they’re the one doing most of the leg work, it’s probably also some of the problem that led to the breakdown of the relationship, which once over needs to be put to one side and to focus on the kids.