Life as a SEN mum

I never intended on making this post, those of you that follow me on social media will know I generally do these updates on there. But I’ve tried to film this, and I just can’t seem to get the words out, or I end up going off on a tangent, or just completely breaking down.

Recently, Charlotte had a change over of teachers, as such, I did say I was going to do a bit of an update on how she got on. These transitions can be difficult for a lot of children, add additional needs, and it can really cause a storm. At the point classes were decided last year, she was placed in this one for a number of reasons. Unlike other children on the SEN list at school, she has an official diagnosis (whilst also waiting for additional diagnosis). It was expected that the teaching assistant who was previously in that class, would remain there, she has lots of training and qualifications surrounding working with SEN kids (she was also TA for James and I can say that she really does know what she’s doing), this didn’t quite come to fruition, although, the TA that replaces her was also TA for Charlotte last year, again has lots of experience working with SEN kids, so a good fit. On top of this she also has a 1 to 1 in the afternoon. On top of that, Charlotte did also voice that she would prefer the teacher who has just returned from maternity as opposed to the teacher of the other class as it’s a member of staff she’s very familiar with from a very young age. So it was decided that she has a lot more help and support to ensure a smoother transition to some of the other children in her year group. In theory, all these would make for an easier transition. But obviously Charlotte was never going to make things easy. All seemed to be going well, until half way through the first week back after Christmas, when Charlotte decided to ramp her behaviour up full force. I know that this time can be tricky, I remember James proving difficult in the return after Christmas, and even a few teachers have said that first week always seems to be difficult, so a little disruption was to be expected. What actually transpired was far more, she became overly disruptive, and increasingly rude to staff. The teacher on maternity cover is by no means new to this, she’s familiar with the school, familiar with Charlotte, 30 years teaching experience and SEN children of her own. So when you’re told your child’s behaviour has impacted staff to the point it affects them once they go home, you know it’s been a bad day. The main issue being that Charlotte will really push boundaries, further than most, if she thinks she can get away with it, and I know lots of you with kids with PDA can probably relate to this, they will literally do anything to put off the task in hand. This ramps up when they think they can get away with anything, which is exactly what happened. Fast forward to the return of their current teacher, not even one full day in and she was in trouble for disrupting the class. Now, thankfully, because the teacher knows her, and knows what she can be like, she also knows how best to deal with the outbursts in a way that doesn’t cause too much backlash.

All that being said, the outbursts and refusal to do anything she’s asked at home have become increasingly worse. With other kids, I know people would suggest removing their favourite toys, electronics etc. which doesn’t always work out for SEN children. That being said, as Charlotte doesn’t so much use these for regulation, unless out and about, we tried this anyway. Did it make any difference whatsoever? Of course not. Everything came to a bit of a head a few weeks ago. Whilst I was making sure she was ready to go out with her dad, and while I was getting ready myself, because I was supposed to be going out with my sister as a belated birthday treat, a comment was made that even thinking about it makes my blood boil, for her to then go on and lie about it. Now the lying has been something we’ve been trying to get a handle on, because they’re often to a point where she no longer distinguishes between the lies and reality. Anyway, after a tough week I ended up breaking down myself. I told my sister not to bother coming down because I just wasn’t in the mood anymore. I sent the kids off with their dad and told him that she could stay at his that night. There was no questions, he just got her in the cab and off they went, needless to say, she came back that night with all her stuff as he wasn’t willing to have her. Now the reasons as to why I won’t go into, but is it completely unreasonable to expect the other parent to take some of the workload when it comes to these problems, rather than it being solely on one parent? Is it completely fair that I’m the one left feeling exhausted, drained, and completely useless?

This is pretty much how I’ve been left feeling recently, the constant arguments over every given request is becoming very very draining. I think, as mothers we just get on with it a lot of time, eventually hoping that the behaviour changes, that you find the one thing that does seem to have some sort of effect. In all honesty, between September and mid December, her behaviour had become so much better. She was like a completely different child. Then something changed, which yes we can pin point, and yes I have tried to tackle that problem, which has been incredibly frustrating in itself. But the behaviour we used to have to battle have come back ten times worse this time and are starting to effect people outside of the home.

Just a little reminder to everyone out there going through challenging times like this, you’re certainly not alone. That’s why the community of parents we make who share similar experiences is so important. No one is saying parenting isn’t hard. But there is no avoiding the fact that parenting any child with any form of disability comes with a whole load of other problems which you have to deal with in a different way, and can often leave us feeling alone and isolated. Being able to communicate with people, even if that’s online, can help keep that last little bit of sanity.